Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
