just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize