He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Randomize
