My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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