are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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