my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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