found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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