There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
