my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
