for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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