does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Randomize
