Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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