Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
