..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
