We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
as a side note pls kill me
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
