I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize