youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
