Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
Define "chronic" masturbator.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Randomize
