maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Randomize
