I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
