I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
