What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
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