I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
