I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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