dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
