i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
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