life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
