I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
