last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize