Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
The convent might be a nice break from real life
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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