you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
