Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
