When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
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