We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
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