youre lurking in front of me
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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