textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
