Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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