I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
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