He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Randomize