i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize