I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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