What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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