sooo how much is appropriate to spend on a vibrator? what if it is really legit looking?
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Randomize