I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Randomize
