Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Randomize
