LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
It's not a walk of shame if you run
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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