I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
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