I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
It's never too late to be topless.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
