And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Randomize