So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
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