And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize