I'm so fucking centered right now
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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