I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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