omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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