Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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