The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
