BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
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