Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
