I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
Randomize
