Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize