Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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