I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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