When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
