I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
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