I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
